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♪ love and marriage ♪
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♪ love and marriage ♪
3
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♪ go together like
a horse and carriage ♪
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♪ this I tell ya, brother ♪
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♪ you can't have one ♪
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♪ without the other ♪
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♪ love and marriage ♪
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♪ love and marriage ♪
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♪ it's an institute
you can't disparage ♪
10
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♪ ask the local gentry ♪
11
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♪ and they will say
it's elementary ♪
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♪ try, try, try
to separate them ♪
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♪ it's an illusion ♪
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♪ try, try, try ♪
15
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♪ and you will only come
to this conclusion ♪
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♪ love and marriage ♪
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Monday, 3:00,
people's court.
18
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3:30... Wheel of fortune.
19
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4:00...
20
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My time.
21
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Hi, mom. Where's dad?
22
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He went to get a haircut.
23
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He didn't need a haircut.
24
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I know, but that's
where he and his friends
25
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Like to sit around
and talk about
26
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All they could have been
in life,
27
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So it shouldn't be long. Why?
28
00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:52,711
He promised to give me
another driving lesson today...
29
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Unless you'd like
to do it. Please?
30
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Well, what's wrong
with your father?
31
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He won't let me
adjust the seat,
32
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:03,722
He keeps his foot
poised over the brake,
33
00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:05,323
And he yells,
"red light!
34
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Stop! Stop! Stop!"
35
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When it's still
three blocks away.
36
00:02:09,228 --> 00:02:12,230
I just know my roots
are coming in gray.
37
00:02:12,231 --> 00:02:15,233
And you know what the most
irritating thing at all is?
38
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The way he spits
out the window.
39
00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:21,239
No, it's instead of
listening to real music,
40
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He cranks up
the oldies station.
41
00:02:23,909 --> 00:02:25,610
Well, don't worry
about it, honey.
42
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Tomorrow, you'll pass
your driving test
43
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And have
your very own license.
44
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Radio:
♪ rollin', rollin' ♪
45
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♪ rollin' on the river-- ♪
46
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Well, daddy's home.
47
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I'll go get my jacket
and my earplugs.
48
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Peg, sell the house!
49
00:02:44,696 --> 00:02:45,930
Why, al?
50
00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:49,267
Did you see a shirt
somewhere you'd like?
51
00:02:50,702 --> 00:02:55,006
Yes. It said,
"congratulate me. Wife's dead."
52
00:02:57,209 --> 00:03:00,211
Down in the barbershop,
I got a tip on a horse.
53
00:03:00,212 --> 00:03:03,347
It's fate, peg.
His name is "dr. Footwear."
54
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Get it? "dr. Footwear."
55
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I sell shoes.
56
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Anyhow, he's running
this Sunday at arlington.
57
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The great part is...
58
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He's never won a race!
59
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,335
Al, does this story
have a point, or does it just
60
00:03:24,336 --> 00:03:27,471
Sort of go on endlessly,
like our marriage?
61
00:03:29,508 --> 00:03:30,975
Gee, peg,
when you act like this,
62
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I just want to throw you
on the floor
63
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And make love to you.
64
00:03:34,579 --> 00:03:37,481
Either that
or just throw you on the floor.
65
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Let's get back
to the horse.
66
00:03:40,786 --> 00:03:42,620
They're holding him back
to run up the odds,
67
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Which, this Sunday,
68
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Will be a minimum
of 20 to 1.
69
00:03:45,691 --> 00:03:48,592
This is our chance
to really make it big.
70
00:03:48,593 --> 00:03:49,828
I've got to get
betting money.
71
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:52,463
Is there anything that we have
we don't use anymore
72
00:03:52,464 --> 00:03:53,664
That we can sell?
73
00:03:53,665 --> 00:03:55,599
Yes, but who'd want
to buy your toothbrush?
74
00:03:58,003 --> 00:03:59,503
You're such
a big help, peg.
75
00:03:59,504 --> 00:04:00,504
It's like that old saying,
76
00:04:00,505 --> 00:04:02,040
"behind every empty
shell of a man
77
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:03,674
Is one of your relatives."
78
00:04:03,675 --> 00:04:05,676
Ready to take me
driving, daddy?
79
00:04:05,677 --> 00:04:08,179
What's the big rush
about getting a license?
80
00:04:08,180 --> 00:04:09,647
I mean, do you think
81
00:04:09,648 --> 00:04:11,182
That driving a car
is glamorous?
82
00:04:11,183 --> 00:04:13,684
Well, it's not as glamorous
like hitching with pervos,
83
00:04:13,685 --> 00:04:15,854
But I still want to drive.
84
00:04:15,855 --> 00:04:17,222
Well, what about the bus?
85
00:04:17,223 --> 00:04:19,224
Yeah, that's great, dad,
crammed together with
86
00:04:19,225 --> 00:04:22,393
A bunch of sweaty strangers
who don't speak any english
87
00:04:22,394 --> 00:04:27,698
Except for, "hey, blondie,
look at this."
88
00:04:27,699 --> 00:04:30,701
Daddy just doesn't want
to pay the insurance, dear.
89
00:04:30,702 --> 00:04:32,603
Oh, no,
that's my pleasure, peg,
90
00:04:32,604 --> 00:04:34,505
Even though my rates
will skyrocket
91
00:04:34,506 --> 00:04:37,008
Because you're underage,
and I'm paying a special rate
92
00:04:37,009 --> 00:04:39,944
For the bumper car queen
over here.
93
00:04:39,945 --> 00:04:43,614
Well, I know why you don't
want me to drive,
94
00:04:43,615 --> 00:04:45,516
And it's not
the insurance.
95
00:04:45,517 --> 00:04:47,218
Your little girl
is growing up,
96
00:04:47,219 --> 00:04:49,153
And you can't bear
to let her go, huh?
97
00:04:52,624 --> 00:04:56,494
No, it's the insurance.
98
00:04:56,495 --> 00:04:58,496
Take her out, al.
99
00:04:58,497 --> 00:05:00,498
Yeah, take her out,
100
00:05:00,499 --> 00:05:03,001
Buy her clothes.
She needs books.
101
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:04,869
Get her some medicine.
102
00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:06,737
When will it all end?
103
00:05:06,738 --> 00:05:09,007
Sure, sure,
I get one day off a week,
104
00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:13,011
And what do I wind up doing?
Spending it with my family.
105
00:05:13,012 --> 00:05:13,945
Oh, god!
106
00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:17,181
Saturday, 11:00 p.M.,
107
00:05:17,182 --> 00:05:19,683
Make love.
108
00:05:19,684 --> 00:05:22,486
11:05...
109
00:05:22,487 --> 00:05:26,490
Al goes to sleep.
110
00:05:26,491 --> 00:05:31,462
11:06, finish making love.
111
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:38,702
Hi, mom. If anything
should happen to me,
112
00:05:38,703 --> 00:05:39,938
Don't believe that
113
00:05:39,939 --> 00:05:42,206
I jumped in front
of kelly's car.
114
00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:44,409
She's been telling me
when she gets her license,
115
00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:45,709
I'm car meat.
116
00:05:45,710 --> 00:05:47,711
Oh, bud, she's just
teasing you.
117
00:05:47,712 --> 00:05:49,314
The last time
she teased me like that,
118
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,983
I woke up bald.
119
00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:53,884
Well, yeah,
120
00:05:53,885 --> 00:05:57,488
But then you got to be kojak
for Halloween.
121
00:05:57,489 --> 00:06:00,491
Kelly's the worst driver
in the world.
122
00:06:00,492 --> 00:06:02,660
Daddy got a ticket.
123
00:06:02,661 --> 00:06:04,162
Hi, kelly.
124
00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:05,029
Hi... Car meat.
125
00:06:06,665 --> 00:06:08,166
Mom...
126
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:11,469
Go out and play, bud.
127
00:06:11,470 --> 00:06:13,438
Watch out for cars.
128
00:06:16,675 --> 00:06:18,676
I can't believe this.
129
00:06:18,677 --> 00:06:20,678
"let's have kids."
130
00:06:20,679 --> 00:06:22,680
Now I get a ticket.
131
00:06:22,681 --> 00:06:25,483
Driving with
your shoes off, al?
132
00:06:25,484 --> 00:06:28,353
No. We were stopped
for a busted tail-light,
133
00:06:28,354 --> 00:06:30,021
And then dad got another ticket
134
00:06:30,022 --> 00:06:32,223
Because his license
expired last month.
135
00:06:32,224 --> 00:06:35,994
Oh, al, that means
it was your birthday last month.
136
00:06:35,995 --> 00:06:37,862
Happy birthday, honey.
137
00:06:40,432 --> 00:06:42,933
You know what
this means, mom,
138
00:06:42,934 --> 00:06:44,635
Is that dad has to take
139
00:06:44,636 --> 00:06:45,936
His driving test
with me tomorrow.
140
00:06:45,937 --> 00:06:48,973
Oh, daddy's growing up
so fast.
141
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:50,508
Oh, get away from me.
142
00:06:50,509 --> 00:06:52,110
That's just what
I want to do tomorrow,
143
00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:54,445
Spend the day at the dmv,
eight hours in line,
144
00:06:54,446 --> 00:06:57,382
With a bunch of foreigners
who smell like vegetables.
145
00:06:57,383 --> 00:07:00,385
Naturally, I'll be
in the wrong line.
146
00:07:00,386 --> 00:07:03,154
My line will be the one
147
00:07:03,155 --> 00:07:05,656
Where they're barbecuing
the chihuahua.
148
00:07:05,657 --> 00:07:08,926
Mom, kelly parked
on my skateboard.
149
00:07:08,927 --> 00:07:10,661
Oh, did I?
150
00:07:10,662 --> 00:07:13,164
Good thing
you weren't on it, huh?
151
00:07:13,165 --> 00:07:15,366
I'm going to go study.
152
00:07:15,367 --> 00:07:17,502
Can I quiz you, kel?
153
00:07:17,503 --> 00:07:18,536
Sure.
154
00:07:18,537 --> 00:07:20,505
Where were you
last night?
155
00:07:20,506 --> 00:07:24,342
Ha ha ha! Car meat.
156
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:25,910
What a day off, huh?
157
00:07:25,911 --> 00:07:28,913
Next, steve and marcie
will come over.
158
00:07:28,914 --> 00:07:30,781
[doorbell rings]
159
00:07:34,686 --> 00:07:35,686
Guess who!
160
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:37,155
I give up.
161
00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:40,158
Al, did you know
your car has a busted taillight?
162
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:43,594
And this is my family.
It's a great life, huh?
163
00:07:43,595 --> 00:07:45,096
They could pull you over
164
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,597
And give you
a ticket for that.
165
00:07:46,598 --> 00:07:49,100
I think they just
give you a warning...
166
00:07:49,101 --> 00:07:51,469
Unless they really
hate you.
167
00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:53,237
Get rid of them.
168
00:07:53,238 --> 00:07:54,738
Would you like
some coffee?
169
00:07:54,739 --> 00:07:56,740
Well, actually,
we can't stay long.
170
00:07:56,741 --> 00:07:58,476
Steve and I are going
to the nursery
171
00:07:58,477 --> 00:07:59,743
To pick up some petunia flats.
172
00:07:59,744 --> 00:08:01,245
Real cool, steve.
173
00:08:01,246 --> 00:08:03,181
Well, it's not
the john wayne movie
174
00:08:03,182 --> 00:08:04,748
Your life is,
175
00:08:04,749 --> 00:08:06,250
But then again,
what is?
176
00:08:06,251 --> 00:08:09,253
Anyhow, your car
is blocking our driveway.
177
00:08:09,254 --> 00:08:11,089
I could probably
get around it,
178
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,490
But I figure, why should I?
179
00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:13,891
Good parking makes
good neighbors, right, al?
180
00:08:13,892 --> 00:08:16,461
You're not really
going to make me move my car
181
00:08:16,462 --> 00:08:18,362
For five feet, are you?
182
00:08:18,363 --> 00:08:22,666
Two feet, three inches, al.
183
00:08:22,667 --> 00:08:25,503
Gee, al, that's about
how far your underwear lands
184
00:08:25,504 --> 00:08:27,538
From the hamper.
185
00:08:27,539 --> 00:08:29,006
Well, you say "I do,"
186
00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:31,809
But you don't really
know what it means.
187
00:08:31,810 --> 00:08:33,811
What are you guys doing?
188
00:08:33,812 --> 00:08:35,813
Studying for
my driving test.
189
00:08:35,814 --> 00:08:37,815
Okay, kel,
here's another one.
190
00:08:37,816 --> 00:08:39,817
You're walking
down the street,
191
00:08:39,818 --> 00:08:42,320
An old man
with a dollar
192
00:08:42,321 --> 00:08:44,322
Pulls up beside you.
193
00:08:44,323 --> 00:08:47,325
You a) ignore him
and keep walking,
194
00:08:47,326 --> 00:08:49,727
B) call the police,
195
00:08:49,728 --> 00:08:54,432
Or c) do what
you usually do?
196
00:08:57,836 --> 00:08:59,837
Mom, can we get bud
197
00:08:59,838 --> 00:09:01,839
One of those
reflective collars?
198
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:05,343
Like tiny little
bull's eyes in the night.
199
00:09:07,712 --> 00:09:11,115
So, you're finally getting
your license, huh?
200
00:09:11,116 --> 00:09:13,050
You're going
to love it, kelly.
201
00:09:13,051 --> 00:09:15,019
Driving gives you
real independence.
202
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:17,388
Yeah, I know
what you mean.
203
00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:20,024
You know, I was really
getting sick of
204
00:09:20,025 --> 00:09:21,659
That put-out- or-get-out stuff
you know?
205
00:09:23,862 --> 00:09:25,863
Yes, that too.
206
00:09:25,864 --> 00:09:27,865
But you know,
207
00:09:27,866 --> 00:09:30,368
A woman doesn't know
true equality
208
00:09:30,369 --> 00:09:31,902
Till she has the freedom
209
00:09:31,903 --> 00:09:33,871
To come and go
as she pleases.
210
00:09:33,872 --> 00:09:35,105
And don't forget
211
00:09:35,106 --> 00:09:36,874
To flirt with
your driving instructor.
212
00:09:36,875 --> 00:09:38,876
Then if he makes
any advances,
213
00:09:38,877 --> 00:09:41,879
You can sue him
for sex discrimination.
214
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,714
How I envy you!
215
00:09:43,715 --> 00:09:45,383
Hey, steve?
216
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:48,386
You know that
two feet, three inches?
217
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:51,889
Well, it was just big enough
that a cop spotted me
218
00:09:51,890 --> 00:09:55,393
And gave me another ticket
for a broken tail-light.
219
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:57,395
Well, I warned you, al.
220
00:09:57,396 --> 00:09:58,762
You know, me and you
221
00:09:58,763 --> 00:10:01,332
Just have to
go hunting one day.
222
00:10:01,333 --> 00:10:05,069
Yeah. I'll get you
a pair of antlers to wear.
223
00:10:05,070 --> 00:10:07,572
I thought we were going, al.
224
00:10:07,573 --> 00:10:10,974
We'll make a day of it.
225
00:10:10,975 --> 00:10:14,212
Dad, are you sure you don't want
to study for your driving test?
226
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,713
Driving test?
227
00:10:15,714 --> 00:10:17,114
Al got stopped earlier.
228
00:10:17,115 --> 00:10:18,716
He'd let
his license expire,
229
00:10:18,717 --> 00:10:21,652
So now he has to take
the test over again.
230
00:10:21,653 --> 00:10:25,223
And we know
how well al did in school.
231
00:10:25,224 --> 00:10:27,958
He's a shoe salesman, you know?
232
00:10:27,959 --> 00:10:30,294
I know what you're
thinking, steve,
233
00:10:30,295 --> 00:10:32,463
But you can't have her,
she's mine.
234
00:10:33,932 --> 00:10:37,235
Till deer season.
235
00:10:37,236 --> 00:10:38,736
Ooh.
236
00:10:38,737 --> 00:10:40,671
These tests are brutal.
237
00:10:40,672 --> 00:10:42,740
Ohh, here's one they'll never
get me on again.
238
00:10:42,741 --> 00:10:45,743
How many feet in advance
do you have to signal
239
00:10:45,744 --> 00:10:47,678
Before making a turn
240
00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:48,879
In a business
or residential area?
241
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,047
Who cares?
242
00:10:50,048 --> 00:10:51,949
A cop in a business
or residential area.
243
00:10:51,950 --> 00:10:53,251
Come on, al,
take a guess.
244
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:54,752
Two feet, three inches.
245
00:10:54,753 --> 00:10:56,654
Both: At least 100 feet.
246
00:10:56,655 --> 00:10:57,888
Very good.
247
00:10:57,889 --> 00:10:59,523
Maybe you'd
better study, al.
248
00:10:59,524 --> 00:11:01,525
I've been driving
for 20 years.
249
00:11:01,526 --> 00:11:04,328
I don't have to study.
250
00:11:04,329 --> 00:11:05,596
I passed.
251
00:11:05,597 --> 00:11:07,465
I failed.
252
00:11:12,471 --> 00:11:15,273
Congratulations, kelly.
I'm so proud of you.
253
00:11:15,274 --> 00:11:17,775
Peg, maybe you didn't hear me.
254
00:11:17,776 --> 00:11:20,778
I said, I failed
my written test.
255
00:11:20,779 --> 00:11:24,282
Well, I didn't say
I was proud of you.
256
00:11:24,283 --> 00:11:26,049
And, mom, dad got
another ticket
257
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:27,285
For a broken tail-light
258
00:11:27,286 --> 00:11:30,288
And one for driving
without a license.
259
00:11:30,289 --> 00:11:34,325
Oh, I'm sorry, al.
Now I'm proud of you.
260
00:11:34,326 --> 00:11:36,761
Yeah. This is
a great little town.
261
00:11:36,762 --> 00:11:38,663
Neighborhood's
burning down, no cops.
262
00:11:38,664 --> 00:11:40,498
Robberies every minute,
no cops.
263
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:45,135
I start my car,
here comes the bundy squad.
264
00:11:45,136 --> 00:11:47,338
Daddy, this is so like you.
265
00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:49,373
I mean, here I've got
this great news,
266
00:11:49,374 --> 00:11:50,974
And you have to
rain on my parade.
267
00:11:50,975 --> 00:11:52,976
I mean, this is
the happiest day of my life.
268
00:11:52,977 --> 00:11:56,847
Well, I'm just glad I could be
a small part of it, pumpkin.
269
00:11:58,983 --> 00:12:01,919
What are you
so upset about, al?
270
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:03,521
Well, let's see,
I don't have a license.
271
00:12:03,522 --> 00:12:04,922
What does that mean?
272
00:12:04,923 --> 00:12:08,759
A) better christmas
presents for everyone,
273
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:11,362
B) the car will be
much roomier with me not in it,
274
00:12:11,363 --> 00:12:13,263
Or c) the breadwinner
can't drive to work,
275
00:12:13,264 --> 00:12:14,598
So we'll all starve.
276
00:12:14,599 --> 00:12:16,534
So there's no problem
277
00:12:16,535 --> 00:12:18,703
With me using the car
during the week?
278
00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,471
No, no.
Go ahead. Take it.
279
00:12:20,472 --> 00:12:22,406
Just don't
get it dirty,
280
00:12:22,407 --> 00:12:23,941
Because we'll be
living in it soon.
281
00:12:23,942 --> 00:12:25,175
Thanks, dad.
282
00:12:25,176 --> 00:12:27,812
Al, you can always take
the test again Monday.
283
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:29,347
You can make it
one weekend
284
00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:31,816
Without a car.
285
00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:33,584
Well, I've got to get
to work tomorrow?
286
00:12:33,585 --> 00:12:35,118
How am I going to get there?
287
00:12:35,119 --> 00:12:38,522
Between kelly and me,
there will be no problem.
288
00:12:39,658 --> 00:12:41,158
Well...
289
00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:43,160
A special thanks to everyone
290
00:12:43,161 --> 00:12:48,031
Who didn't get up this morning
to drive me to work.
291
00:12:48,032 --> 00:12:51,402
That's my bike.
I reported it stolen.
292
00:12:54,172 --> 00:12:57,174
Well, I'll get arrested
for that tomorrow.
293
00:12:57,175 --> 00:13:01,245
Today, I just get a ticket
for a broken tail-light.
294
00:13:01,246 --> 00:13:02,747
Peg, I can't believe this.
295
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:04,248
I got so many tickets,
296
00:13:04,249 --> 00:13:07,718
I don't have any money left
to bet on that horse.
297
00:13:07,719 --> 00:13:09,253
Well, there's
no rush, honey.
298
00:13:09,254 --> 00:13:11,088
I'm sure
he'll still be running
299
00:13:11,089 --> 00:13:12,757
By the time
you get your license.
300
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:14,124
Yuck it up, peg.
301
00:13:14,125 --> 00:13:15,860
Will you get me
some juice, honey?
302
00:13:15,861 --> 00:13:17,862
I'm sorry, al.
We're all out,
303
00:13:17,863 --> 00:13:21,365
And I was just too bored
to go to the store.
304
00:13:21,366 --> 00:13:24,368
Now I'm too tired.
I'm going out.
305
00:13:24,369 --> 00:13:26,570
Will you get me some juice?
306
00:13:26,571 --> 00:13:28,539
No, I'm too busy.
307
00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:30,040
Kelly...
308
00:13:30,041 --> 00:13:31,542
Oh, get real, dad.
309
00:13:31,543 --> 00:13:33,477
Nobody drinks juice but you.
310
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:41,452
Dad, being
without a license,
311
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:44,789
Does it make you feel
like less than a man?
312
00:13:46,658 --> 00:13:49,660
No, son, that's
your mother's job.
313
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:56,634
Bud, there's this horse
that I want to bet on.
314
00:13:56,635 --> 00:14:00,170
How about lending me
a couple of bucks, pal?
315
00:14:05,944 --> 00:14:08,879
No juice, no license,
no horse...
316
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:13,216
And thou.
317
00:14:13,217 --> 00:14:14,718
Hi, al.
318
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:17,220
Saw you peddling in
from work.
319
00:14:17,221 --> 00:14:19,490
You didn't study,
did you, al?
320
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:22,225
By the way, you know your bike's
got a broken tail-light?
321
00:14:22,226 --> 00:14:23,661
Get lost, steve.
322
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:25,195
Right back at you.
323
00:14:25,196 --> 00:14:28,699
Steve, wait a second!
I didn't recognize you.
324
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:30,267
Come on in.
325
00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:33,203
What do you want?
326
00:14:33,204 --> 00:14:35,205
Well, we're neighbors.
327
00:14:35,206 --> 00:14:38,208
Can't two neighbors
just sit and talk?
328
00:14:38,209 --> 00:14:41,144
What do you want
to talk about?
329
00:14:41,145 --> 00:14:44,648
How would you like to increase
your money 20-fold?
330
00:14:44,649 --> 00:14:48,619
Already did. I bet you wouldn't
pass your driving test.
331
00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:51,121
That's a good one.
332
00:14:51,122 --> 00:14:52,623
No.
333
00:14:52,624 --> 00:14:55,626
I am the proud possessor
of some information
334
00:14:55,627 --> 00:14:59,630
That I could be persuaded
to sell to you for...
335
00:14:59,631 --> 00:15:01,932
Twe... 50 bucks.
336
00:15:01,933 --> 00:15:03,066
Just what does
337
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:04,935
The twe... 50 bucks
buy me, al?
338
00:15:04,936 --> 00:15:06,570
It's the biggest
insider tip of all time.
339
00:15:06,571 --> 00:15:09,072
It's on the stock market.
340
00:15:11,142 --> 00:15:13,644
Well... I'll give you 25.
341
00:15:13,645 --> 00:15:16,647
Deal. I was only kidding.
It's really a horse.
342
00:15:16,648 --> 00:15:18,983
Give me my money back, al.
343
00:15:18,984 --> 00:15:20,951
He's coming in
at 20 to 1.
344
00:15:20,952 --> 00:15:23,487
See, that's better
than a stock tip.
345
00:15:23,488 --> 00:15:25,422
Stock price doubles,
you just make 2 to 1.
346
00:15:25,423 --> 00:15:28,091
This is 20 to 1, steve.
It's 20 to 1.
347
00:15:28,092 --> 00:15:29,793
His name is "dr. Footwear."
348
00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:33,430
Get it?
"dr. Footwear," see?
349
00:15:33,431 --> 00:15:36,667
I sell shoes.
350
00:15:36,668 --> 00:15:38,602
Anyway,
he's guaranteed to win.
351
00:15:38,603 --> 00:15:40,170
Nothing is guaranteed.
352
00:15:40,171 --> 00:15:42,606
Wrong. As long
as I live in this world,
353
00:15:42,607 --> 00:15:45,108
I'm guaranteed
to wallow in misery,
354
00:15:45,109 --> 00:15:46,977
But this horse
is going to win.
355
00:15:46,978 --> 00:15:49,079
All you have to do
is take me down there,
356
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:50,280
And we'll both
take limos home.
357
00:15:50,281 --> 00:15:52,282
Well, what time
is the race?
358
00:15:52,283 --> 00:15:54,117
2:00.
Pick me up at noon?
359
00:15:54,118 --> 00:15:56,654
No can do. Marcie and I
are going to a baby shower.
360
00:15:56,655 --> 00:15:58,221
What?
361
00:15:58,222 --> 00:16:00,390
It's the boss'
daughter's baby.
362
00:16:00,391 --> 00:16:03,226
So you can't take me
to the track?
363
00:16:03,227 --> 00:16:04,728
Get lost.
364
00:16:04,729 --> 00:16:06,730
Well, enough
male bonding.
365
00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:08,732
I guess I'll...
366
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:11,234
Drive over
to the gas station.
367
00:16:11,235 --> 00:16:13,236
I don't really need gas.
368
00:16:13,237 --> 00:16:15,739
I just like to drive around.
369
00:16:15,740 --> 00:16:18,742
So, what are you
going to do, al?
370
00:16:18,743 --> 00:16:22,512
Pop a few wheelies
in the living room?
371
00:16:22,513 --> 00:16:24,548
20 to 1, steve!
372
00:16:24,549 --> 00:16:27,751
Who needs you?
I'll get there myself.
373
00:16:27,752 --> 00:16:29,753
20 to 1, that's $500.
374
00:16:29,754 --> 00:16:34,257
The family can buy a lot
of nice stuff for $500...
375
00:16:34,258 --> 00:16:37,761
Then again, so can I.
376
00:16:37,762 --> 00:16:39,763
All right, everybody!
377
00:16:39,764 --> 00:16:43,266
Announcement, announcement.
378
00:16:43,267 --> 00:16:44,768
Today at 2:00,
379
00:16:44,769 --> 00:16:47,771
I have a horse running
at arlington.
380
00:16:47,772 --> 00:16:48,772
I will be there.
381
00:16:48,773 --> 00:16:50,107
The only question before us is
382
00:16:50,108 --> 00:16:52,676
Which one of you dependents
is going to take me?
383
00:16:52,677 --> 00:16:55,278
Well, al, all I have to do
is go for a manicure.
384
00:16:55,279 --> 00:16:58,281
They're having a special,
11 for the price of 10,
385
00:16:58,282 --> 00:17:00,450
But I should be back
in an hour.
386
00:17:00,451 --> 00:17:01,485
Kelly?
387
00:17:01,486 --> 00:17:04,454
Well, two guys
are fighting over me
388
00:17:04,455 --> 00:17:06,957
Down by the train
tracks today.
389
00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:08,592
You know, it really
wouldn't look right
390
00:17:08,593 --> 00:17:09,960
If I wasn't there,
391
00:17:09,961 --> 00:17:12,796
But I'll be back
in plenty of time.
392
00:17:12,797 --> 00:17:14,231
Good.
393
00:17:14,232 --> 00:17:17,034
Now I'm going to say this slowly
so that you'll both understand.
394
00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:21,038
It is very important
that we get to the track.
395
00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:23,040
Promise me, promise me
396
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:26,043
That you will be
back in time.
397
00:17:26,044 --> 00:17:27,745
Al, if it's
important to you,
398
00:17:27,746 --> 00:17:29,813
We will both be here.
399
00:17:29,814 --> 00:17:32,650
The horses are approaching
the starting gate.
400
00:17:32,651 --> 00:17:36,654
Hi, al. I knew you were home.
I saw your bike out front.
401
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:39,089
How come
you're not at the track?
402
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:43,093
For the same reason I'm not out
with sleazy blondes.
403
00:17:43,094 --> 00:17:46,063
I'm married...
With children.
404
00:17:46,064 --> 00:17:48,932
Gee, I wish I knew
you were stuck here.
405
00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:50,734
We got out of
the baby shower early.
406
00:17:50,735 --> 00:17:52,670
Her water broke
and we headed for the hills.
407
00:17:52,671 --> 00:17:54,571
We were by the track,
408
00:17:54,572 --> 00:17:57,474
So I figured, what the hell,
I put down $100 on that horse.
409
00:17:57,475 --> 00:17:59,777
That's the biggest bet
I ever made in my life.
410
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,612
At least we can listen
to it together.
411
00:18:02,613 --> 00:18:05,415
Steve, I got to tell you,
I got warned off that bet.
412
00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:08,418
Horse is going through
some tough personal problems,
413
00:18:08,419 --> 00:18:10,353
Getting married
or something like that,
414
00:18:10,354 --> 00:18:13,356
So I'll tell you what.
I'm feeling guilty.
415
00:18:13,357 --> 00:18:15,659
I'll buy $25 of your bet
out of friendship.
416
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:18,162
Lick my shoe...
Out of friendship.
417
00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:20,263
And they're off!
418
00:18:20,264 --> 00:18:22,265
Is that a "no," steve?
419
00:18:22,266 --> 00:18:25,268
It's bailey boy in the lead,
with darling kim second,
420
00:18:25,269 --> 00:18:27,270
Mama's problem third,
then satin lover,
421
00:18:27,271 --> 00:18:29,773
B-movie, floridora,
and prince harris.
422
00:18:29,774 --> 00:18:32,275
Bringing up the rear,
it's dr. Footwear.
423
00:18:32,276 --> 00:18:33,777
I'm last?
424
00:18:33,778 --> 00:18:35,145
He's going to win.
425
00:18:35,146 --> 00:18:36,780
He's last, al.
I didn't bet on him.
426
00:18:36,781 --> 00:18:38,716
Heading
into the first turn,
427
00:18:38,717 --> 00:18:41,719
It's darling kim,
bailey boy, and satin lover.
428
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,721
Dr. Footwear is way behind.
429
00:18:43,722 --> 00:18:45,222
He's way behind.
430
00:18:45,223 --> 00:18:46,690
He's going to win.
No, he's not!
431
00:18:46,691 --> 00:18:48,558
Steve, give me $25
of your bet right now,
432
00:18:48,559 --> 00:18:49,727
What do you say?
433
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,028
O--
434
00:18:51,029 --> 00:18:52,730
And here comes dr. Footwear
on the outside!
435
00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:54,732
Lick my shoe, al.
436
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:56,700
He's making a tremendous move!
437
00:18:56,701 --> 00:18:58,135
Coming into
the clubhouse turn,
438
00:18:58,136 --> 00:18:59,737
It's darling kim,
satin lover, and dr. Footwear!
439
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:01,739
Come on,
dr. Footwear!
440
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:03,741
Trip and die,
dr. Footwear!
441
00:19:03,742 --> 00:19:06,243
Now they're in
the home stretch!
442
00:19:06,244 --> 00:19:08,245
Neck and neck,
443
00:19:08,246 --> 00:19:10,748
It's darling kim
and dr. Footwear!
444
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,750
At the finish line, it's...
445
00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:14,752
Darling kim by a nose!
446
00:19:14,753 --> 00:19:17,755
Ah! Ha ha!
He did it! He did it!
447
00:19:17,756 --> 00:19:20,257
You lost, and I didn't!
Ha ha ha!
448
00:19:20,258 --> 00:19:21,759
Wait!
449
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:24,261
The steward's
inquiry light is on.
450
00:19:24,262 --> 00:19:25,729
He won.
451
00:19:25,730 --> 00:19:26,730
Forget it, al.
452
00:19:26,731 --> 00:19:27,831
They never
disqualify a horse.
453
00:19:27,832 --> 00:19:29,900
No, they don't.
Give me 25 bucks of the bet.
454
00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,902
And they're taking down
number eight.
455
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:33,270
Darling kim is disqualified!
456
00:19:33,271 --> 00:19:35,773
And the winner,
paying 2290, is...
457
00:19:35,774 --> 00:19:37,775
Dr. Footwear!
458
00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:39,709
$2,290!
459
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:42,712
I just won
over two grand.
460
00:19:42,713 --> 00:19:44,714
Al, I love you.
461
00:19:44,715 --> 00:19:46,716
And you owe me $25.
462
00:19:46,717 --> 00:19:49,219
I can't wait to tell marcie.
463
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,721
We can invest
in mutual bonds.
464
00:19:51,722 --> 00:19:54,291
Peg, you've got the greatest
husband in the world.
465
00:19:54,292 --> 00:19:59,263
Why? What happened to al?
466
00:19:59,264 --> 00:20:03,167
Oh, hi, honey. I'm here.
Let's go to the track.
467
00:20:03,168 --> 00:20:05,235
Peg, what time is it?
468
00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:06,569
5 after 2:00.
469
00:20:06,570 --> 00:20:09,572
You know what time
the race was?
470
00:20:09,573 --> 00:20:12,742
2:00, but nothing
ever starts on time.
471
00:20:12,743 --> 00:20:14,845
Dad, you ready to go?
472
00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:16,280
Family, sit down.
473
00:20:18,082 --> 00:20:22,085
What I have to say
will be short and sweet.
474
00:20:22,086 --> 00:20:25,755
You stink.
475
00:20:25,756 --> 00:20:29,526
I left a knife fight
just to hear that?
476
00:20:29,527 --> 00:20:31,761
No, this too.
477
00:20:31,762 --> 00:20:35,765
Right now your daddy's
a little irritated
478
00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:40,137
Because you cost your daddy
500 frigging dollars,
479
00:20:40,138 --> 00:20:42,206
But more important
than that--
480
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:44,708
Not more important than that,
but as important--
481
00:20:44,709 --> 00:20:47,377
You've shown me
how little you care.
482
00:20:47,378 --> 00:20:51,048
So tomorrow, when I go
to get my license--
483
00:20:51,049 --> 00:20:52,282
Who's taking you, dad?
484
00:20:52,283 --> 00:20:56,720
I'll crawl on my face.
485
00:20:56,721 --> 00:20:58,722
And when I come home,
486
00:20:58,723 --> 00:21:01,725
Your daddy is not
going to give you anything.
487
00:21:01,726 --> 00:21:04,728
Not a smile,
no money, no food.
488
00:21:04,729 --> 00:21:09,066
I'm not going to lift a finger
to help any of you,
489
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:13,436
And I don't expect any of you
to lift a finger to help me.
490
00:21:13,437 --> 00:21:14,938
From now on,
491
00:21:14,939 --> 00:21:17,440
We have a new bundy rule--
492
00:21:17,441 --> 00:21:20,043
Every man for himself.
493
00:21:22,747 --> 00:21:25,682
Yeah, mom, al passed
his driving test.
494
00:21:25,683 --> 00:21:30,120
And then the instructor
drove over his foot.
495
00:21:30,121 --> 00:21:33,924
Yeah. Al's going to be stuck
around the house for a while.
496
00:21:33,925 --> 00:21:38,228
Drive? With that foot?
497
00:21:38,229 --> 00:21:39,629
Oh, you're so right, mom.
498
00:21:39,630 --> 00:21:41,765
This is not going
to be easy for me.
499
00:21:41,766 --> 00:21:45,102
What's that ringing?
500
00:21:45,103 --> 00:21:46,836
That's just al
with his bell.
501
00:21:46,837 --> 00:21:49,606
Daddy, you don't need
the car, do you?
502
00:21:53,177 --> 00:21:54,844
What, al?
503
00:21:54,845 --> 00:21:57,347
Can you get me a beer?
504
00:21:57,348 --> 00:21:58,448
Hold on, mom.
505
00:21:58,449 --> 00:22:01,684
I've got to get
something for al.
506
00:22:01,685 --> 00:22:03,653
What? The garden is blooming?
507
00:22:03,654 --> 00:22:05,622
Tell me all about it.
508
00:22:07,926 --> 00:22:10,660
Don't you know
I'm sitting here in pain?
509
00:22:10,661 --> 00:22:12,662
Aaah! Geez!
510
00:22:12,663 --> 00:22:14,664
Hold on a second, mom.
511
00:22:14,665 --> 00:22:16,233
I've got to
take this upstairs.
512
00:22:16,234 --> 00:22:17,434
I can't hear a thing.
513
00:22:17,435 --> 00:22:21,538
Al, hang this up
when I get upstairs.
514
00:22:42,460 --> 00:22:45,128
[♪]